Knowing you are nothing but pain to someone else,
to someone you love
is the most painful thing in the world.
that you can’t hardly even feel,
because you are in so much shock,
that you just can’t hide
your own condition…
even though honesty has proven to not be the best policy…
Well, I went to work today and it was probably the best day at work ever! Children our my Heroes! They give me my therapy. I am socially accepted to be a physco there with kids and they love it, because kids are “crazy” too! And we are fully allowed to show our “insanity!”
I played spaceship and pretended working at job in a cake factory shop underneath the playground, while everyone pretended the wood chips are the food/cake/milk shakes/ice cream and my boss was this 7 year old that kept saying “I’ve worked here for 75 years!, respect me! I’m an old lady!”
And every kid getting on me because they said I wasn’t doing my job fast enough and when I finished filling up a truck with wood chips, they spill it and give it back to me to fill it up again and I kept going “NOOO! My own boss is trying to get me fired!!!”
So many kids kept telling me I’m going to get fired that I just said ” that’s it, I quit!!! And they all go, “NO you can’t do that!” “Lets, hire you again!”
There were so many fun and wild moments today, i am so glad I work with kids, they keep me sane with their crazy imaginations and wildness, with their own “insanity”
I rather have more friends that are kids than adults any day! I can be truly myself with them and don’t have to put on any show or whatever. And I’m not hardly in any way afraid of judgement when I’m with them, unless their are a ton of adults around.
Before camp started and I was in training and One of the instructors said, “childhood is where you learn to be an adult.” And I thought that was one of most depressing sayings I’ve ever heard! I don’t see childhood like that at all and I just don’t want to see childhood that way, ever and maybe that’s not wise of me I guess, but I don’t care, I just find it sad to only see children as what they will become in the future and not fully appreciate who they are in the present moment. I think childhood memories are so terribly important, that feel terribly passionate about it.
I came home and a person that means a lot to me, stopped following my dA page, we were so close, but my attachment towards her and how it effected me broke our relationship completely…I fell in love with her and I wasn’t prepared for that, I didn’t see that coming, but it did. and sad part about me is that, I become so damaging towards myself when I am in love and they leave me and I only have silence from them. that is a main reason why I avoid it so much, to be in love is so dangerous to me mentally. That’s what happened to me 6 years ago where I had lost my mind completely with two full blown mania attacks. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 right after that.
I’ve been so disoriented with my emotions and thoughts from losing her, and realizing that We probably will never be friends again has been beyond shocking and so terribly hard to accept. I have pored out all my heaviness of trying not to go mad again, where my sanity will leave me and where I am going be so dangerous, where I might hurt her more by hurting myself or just
Cause hurt to anyone else…that I will be nothing but damaging. I kept sharing songs and dances that express so much that I feel and words and art, that I am quite sure I have overwhelmed her again. She can not deal with what I’m going through and I cannot deal with what she is going through. We both are overly sensitive people.
We keep hurting each other and it’s just out of our control.
and I can’t even take care of myself.
This is how children are saving me as a person right now, that they keep letting me know I am a good person and that I am lovable…I hope she has something or someone or people that help her through what she has to deal with. It breaks my heart that I can not be their for her because I am only pain to her now :(